Reflection

As we come into February I find myself being very reflective on the last two years since Brooklyn got sick. On February 27 it will have been two years. Sometimes when I look back on my life, I think that I never would have guessed I am who I am and I am where I am in my life. Life is so different from what you expect.
I finally am starting to feel more healed than not these days. The days of utter depression and crying are getting fewer and farther in between. I guess I am getting stronger. The anger has subsided now too. You know, when we found out Brooklyn was deaf we went to support groups and learned that parents go through the same stages of grief when they have a child with a disability as the stages of grief after a loved one dies. The first stage is shock, then denial, anger, etc... I don't have all of them memorized, but I finally feel I am coming out of anger stage onto acceptance. It feels good. I feel wiser and stronger because of it.
I was really angry for a long time. Not really at God, because I knew that wasn't right and felt guilty for that, and I couldn't be angry at Brooklyn, so I had a lot of undirected anger. I was angry that this had happened to my child who was already deaf. Seems so unfair.
What I have learned is that we all suffer from a notion that life is supposed to be easy and when it is not, we feel singled out, picked on. I have learned that life is not supposed to be easy, after all we are here for such a short time compared to our whole existence, and we have so much to learn. I guess I am accepting that more and more. I know it sounds depressing, but really its not. Its reassuring to know that everything has a purpose, and that God loves us and our trials are not because he doesn't love us. They are actually because He wants us to become more like Him.
I guess the Lord really wants me to be an expert at patience and long-suffering! Having a child with a disability is so challenging! It is also so rewarding. The simplest things are so cherished. I remember when Brooklyn said "I Love you" for the first time with spoken words. It was New Years Day, 2003. She was two and half. I will never forget it. Or how she used to say "Mop" when referring to me because she couldn't hear the ending "mmm" sound. I miss that so much.
But all is not lost, because now there are new things to be thankful for. She can eat!!! Yeah! She can walk, and run and ride a bike. She is toilet trained. She is here. And sometimes I need to remember what a gift that is.
Brooklyn still has seizures periodically. If she misses even one dose, she can have a three minute Grand Mal seizure. It's very frightening to see it happen and not be able to do anything about it. Well, Brian and I went to the movies last night to see "Extraordinary Measures" (good one by the way) and Stuart was supposed to give her her meds before bed. When we got home everyone was fast asleep in bed! What a great surprise! But at 1:30am Brooklyn was up and rustling around the house. She was trying to lay next to me, but was fussing and moving and playing that finally by 3:30 I was coherent enough to have the thought that she obviously did not get her meds because she was up. (One of her meds helps her brain sleep, without it she is awake all night). I got up and saw she wasn't in PJ's, dressed her, gave her meds, washed the icecream off her face from the previous day and waited for the medicine to kick in. At 4:15 I put her to bed and tried to go back to sleep. Well, I hate getting up in the middle of the night and I REALLY like my sleep, so I was kind of grouchy when the sun came up. But, you know what happened? Brooklyn came in and woke me up at around 8:00 with a PB&J sandwich on a plate for me that she had made by herself! I think she was trying to say thank you for helping her last night and she loves me. I was so touched. She really appreciates me! Wow. Those moments are so rare that I will treasure that little memory forever.
Well, sorry I am rambling. I just want anyone to know that reads this, that you are not alone if you feel that life is sometimes hard too.

Knott's Berry Farm

Hello there! Is anyone there??? I haven't posted in so long! Well we finally got a camera again so I can post some pictures.
Just before Christmas we took the kids to Knotts Berry Farm for Fire and Law appreciation day. It was great! Brian and I got in free and the kids were only $15.oo each. We met up with Brian's old partner, Brian Murphy and his wife and son.
We were a little anxious about going to an amusement park with Brooklyn. We haven't been to one since Disneyland in 2007 when she was still in her wheelchair. Its always an ordeal to get Brooklyn to walk where you want her to and to stay by us and not run away. Think a deaf two-year-old with out a stroller! We managed ok. It was soon apparent that she could not wait in lines though. We just kept doing the kid swap thing so we could spare all the poeple around us in the lines. It wasn't great, but we managed and the kids had fun. I hope we can keep practicing taking her places and at some point it will be a totally enjoyable experience. For now we at least are trying.
We kind of tricked Carson into going on our first ride, Ghostrider. He was so scared that he started crying at the top of the hill! By then it was too late! He did fine though and at the end we all cheered for his bravery. He was proud of himself, but fom then on he refused all the big rides and preferred the little kid ones. Who could blame him!

Back when we went to Knott's when Carson was a baby we did one of those Old West pictures. Well, Brian had it planned that he would take one with his old partner with their real badges. I snuck a few pics of then as they posed. Then Stu wanted to get in on the act. I think Brian looks really mean!

School Days Update

Well, I haven't posted in a while so here is the update:
Stuart is in his sophomore year at Lakeside Highschool. He has very long days. He goes to seminary at 6:30 and then straight to school all day and then football practice till 6 or 7 at night. Then as soon as he gets home he eats, and has homework and goes to bed. I feel so sorry for him sometimes. I feel it is too much for such a young man, but he insists on playing football and I insist on seminary so thats just the way it has to be for now. He is on JV football and also on the varsity team, so he has two games a week. As I write this it is 10:00pm and I am waiting for him to get back from an away game. Despite the long days he is adjusting better to highschool so far this year. His grades are much better and he even has A's in Chemistry and World History! We are holding our breath and hope it lasts. This is better than he has ever done as far as grades go.
Jackson is doing great at school as far as we can tell. Its hard to get him to talk about anything. He just likes solitude. But we force him to pay attention to us and give us feedback as much as we can. He has been complaining about being in the school band and so I finally relented and let him switch out. He really wanted to go to drama, and frankly I didn't think it was a good idea. Jackson really struggles with stuttering and being outgoing and social is not really his thing, but he insisted and so far is loving it! I am pleasantly surprised. Maybe this is just what he needs! We'll see if anything becomes of that. Jackson of course had all A's and has the highest grade in his math class. He usually gets his homework done before he even gets home! Its great. He just turned 12 last week and had a sleep-over watching "Goosebumps" movies all night. The boys had fun. He will be getting the priesthood this coming Sunday. He doesn't really seem to care, but he is definitely glad to be out of Primary.
Brooklyn has had quite some changes recently. We have made some medication changes and so far she hasn't had a seizure in a few weeks! Her interpreter emails me everyday about her progress, and he reports much improvement in her attentiveness and signing. I am very encouraged by what I see at home too. She attends to tasks longer, initiates conversation and can reciprocate a conversation as well. Her signing is still only one or two signs strung together, but more is emerging. She actually watches TV now! Before she could'n't even pay attention long enough to one thing to sit and watch, but now she does. It is so nice and gives me a little breathing room! We really struggle when it is time for her daily chores though, such as taking her medicine, brushing her teeth and hair, getting dressed etc. It is very frustrating! She has made me late to work on a few occasions because she just refuses to do these things. She has a sticker chart and we are trying lots of positive reinforcement, but it really just depends on her moods. Over all I see quite an awakening in her countenance. We feel very hopeful for the future.
Carson is my little helper boy recently. I have told him he has to be the model for good behavior for Brooklyn. I use him as an example alot. He has a sticker chart and is so diligent about his daily jobs. He gets two dollars on Saturday if his charts are full. He really likes this system. He is doing well in school, however first grade is a big adjustment from Kindergarten. He has lots of homework every day and his day is longer as well. I am shocked at the first grade expectations! Daily homework is two pages (front and back) of math and writing spelling words, practicing his high frequency words, and reading for 20 minutes. It is alot, but he has adjusted and he now can do most of it all on his own without ay help.
Well there is the update. I am working about 24 hours a week and taking two classes as well. We all have to follow a very tight schedule to fit it all in. What is the most awesome is that Brian is working day watch and we can all be home together in the evenings. What a difference that has made in our family!

Brian's Dream Come True!

I just have to brag a little for Brian. I am so proud of him. For six years he has been going through the interview process to become an LAPD motorcyle officer. As many of you know, Brian LOVES motorcyles. Once Brian gets his sights locked on a goal he does not give up until he "conquers" it (in his own words). Each time you interview for a position, you get ranked on a list according to your score. They only make a new list every 2 years. The first time he was ranked 100 something, I think. The next time it was 63, then this last November he ranked 36! We were so excited. He didn't make the cut for the first motor school this year, but he did for the second class. He started motor school on July 9. Out of seventeen LAPD officers only 3 graduated motor school. Brian was Top Gun of the class, including some other officers from other agencies! I am so proud of him. He said that motor school was the most stressful thing he has ever done in his life. They really put the officers through the grind, and there was no mercy. If you weren't up to par, then you were out. Their mentality was the instructors wanted to sleep at night feeling they only allow the best to be out there on the road so they can go home to their families. I of course appreciated that. I am so proud of Brian for persevering and conquering this goal of his. He is such an example to me of dedication and perseverence.
Brian got his Harley last Thursday and says its so much fun to go to work now. I think he is still in awe that he's really a motor officer. I wish I could post pictures, but we still don't have a camera! Too many other things on the list like school clothes and such!
I love my husband so much and am so proud of him!

Help please!

Ughhh! I have tried to change this ugly background a million times! Why won't it change? Can anyone help me? I copy and paste the new background info under "add a gadget", but it never takes. What am I doing wrong?

Mammoth Camping Trip

Brooklyn caught a fish too! She was so proud of herself!


Carson posing infront of the Minarets.



The boys in front of Mammoth Mountain. Can you beleive all that snow in June?




Stuarts pride and joy. He wanted us to pay to get it stuffed.. (yeah right!)





My fish looks bigger! I have to say I was pretty proud of it too!

We love to go up to Mammoth! We packed up and hauled our little fishing boat up to Convict Lake and Lake Mary for some good quality famliy time. We started at Convict Lake where the elevation is lower and its a little warmer at night. We knew rain was coming, but we decided to go anyway. The rain for sure came, and after that first night the boys all slept in the Expedition, leaving Brian, Brooklyn amd I to brave the cold wet nights! We survived and luckliy the sun came out eventually and we were able to dry everything out. We enjoyed riding our bikes and doing a lot of fishing!! After three days at Convict lake, we moved up to Lake Mary, our traditional fishing lake. Stuart caught the biggest fish he's ever caught! It was a 3.5 pound rainbow trout! I also caught a big one. It was 2.9 pounds. We caught a lot of fish and it was alot of fun and relaxation. Stuart loved getting up early and fishing all day. Jackson and Carson were bored with fishing and preferred to sit in the car and play game boy! I forced them out as much as I could, but apparently they really aren't the camping type. Brooklyn loved the freedom to be as dirty and care free as she wanted. I was happy as long as I got my camp shower! Of couse it was stressful for us as parents, but I think it was all worth it! We made some good memories.

I survived!

I have not posted in a really long time! I really have not had a spare moment the past few months. Not to mention that Carson broke our digital camera, so I can't post any new pictures. These past few months have been a real growing experience for our whole family. I started working for the first time in 10 years this past January at Riverside Community College and then in February I started the Spring semester and took three classes at night. I know it was crazy and I knew it would be hard, but I am trying to finish the Interpreter Training Program at RCC and needed these classes in this specific semester. For the most part I was gone four days a week from morning to night. It was soooo difficult! I just constantly felt pulled in ten different directions. There were so many times I wanted to drop my classes, but I persevered and I made it through.
I said this was a growing expereince for our whole family and it was. With the year I had gone through with dealing with Brooklyn's hospitalization and caring for her when she came home, I was in the depths of depression. I had given everything I had in me to her and my family and somewhere I had lost who I was. Last fall I felt a strong impression to return to school and enter the Interpreter Program, even though I had never wanted to be an interpreter. Taking those classes saved me. I finally had an outlet and saw that I had something to give and I had talents to offer. It also got my mind off of the terrible tradgedy of losing the old Brooklyn, helped me move forward and put the past behind us. Starting to work was also something I really needed personally. There is so much frustration with dealing with Brooklyn that it can be very disheartening. Her progress is very slow and most of the time you don't know if your efforts make a difference at all. Having an outlet to help me feel like a success has really helped me be more patient with Brooklyn. With me out going to school and working it forced Brian and the kids to carry some of the burden of caring for the house and Brooklyn. I have always done it all and taken pride in doing it all, but it was killing me inside.
I love my husband so much. He really stepped up to the plate and has supported me in my efforts. Now we both share the responsibility of parenting like we never have before. He worries about who is picking up Carson from school or what to make for dinner just as much as I do. He does a load of laundry when it needs to be done, or helps with a school project when it comes. Not only do I have a greater love and appreciation for him, but the kids do too. As he cares for their needs more, they have come to know and love eachother more as well.
My children have really had to become more self-reliant. They get themselves off to school, make their own lunches and help care for Brooklyn and even know how to make dinner. While sometimes it would kill me to have to leave such responsibilites to my children to handle and potentially fail at, I know it was best for them. I realize what an enabler I have been.
So now the semester is over. I will still be working part-time during the summer to make ends meet, but I survived and so did my family. I think we are all better because of it too.