As we come into February I find myself being very reflective on the last two years since Brooklyn got sick. On February 27 it will have been two years. Sometimes when I look back on my life, I think that I never would have guessed I am who I am and I am where I am in my life. Life is so different from what you expect.
I finally am starting to feel more healed than not these days. The days of utter depression and crying are getting fewer and farther in between. I guess I am getting stronger. The anger has subsided now too. You know, when we found out Brooklyn was deaf we went to support groups and learned that parents go through the same stages of grief when they have a child with a disability as the stages of grief after a loved one dies. The first stage is shock, then denial, anger, etc... I don't have all of them memorized, but I finally feel I am coming out of anger stage onto acceptance. It feels good. I feel wiser and stronger because of it.
I was really angry for a long time. Not really at God, because I knew that wasn't right and felt guilty for that, and I couldn't be angry at Brooklyn, so I had a lot of undirected anger. I was angry that this had happened to my child who was already deaf. Seems so unfair.
What I have learned is that we all suffer from a notion that life is supposed to be easy and when it is not, we feel singled out, picked on. I have learned that life is not supposed to be easy, after all we are here for such a short time compared to our whole existence, and we have so much to learn. I guess I am accepting that more and more. I know it sounds depressing, but really its not. Its reassuring to know that everything has a purpose, and that God loves us and our trials are not because he doesn't love us. They are actually because He wants us to become more like Him.
I guess the Lord really wants me to be an expert at patience and long-suffering! Having a child with a disability is so challenging! It is also so rewarding. The simplest things are so cherished. I remember when Brooklyn said "I Love you" for the first time with spoken words. It was New Years Day, 2003. She was two and half. I will never forget it. Or how she used to say "Mop" when referring to me because she couldn't hear the ending "mmm" sound. I miss that so much.
But all is not lost, because now there are new things to be thankful for. She can eat!!! Yeah! She can walk, and run and ride a bike. She is toilet trained. She is here. And sometimes I need to remember what a gift that is.
Brooklyn still has seizures periodically. If she misses even one dose, she can have a three minute Grand Mal seizure. It's very frightening to see it happen and not be able to do anything about it. Well, Brian and I went to the movies last night to see "Extraordinary Measures" (good one by the way) and Stuart was supposed to give her her meds before bed. When we got home everyone was fast asleep in bed! What a great surprise! But at 1:30am Brooklyn was up and rustling around the house. She was trying to lay next to me, but was fussing and moving and playing that finally by 3:30 I was coherent enough to have the thought that she obviously did not get her meds because she was up. (One of her meds helps her brain sleep, without it she is awake all night). I got up and saw she wasn't in PJ's, dressed her, gave her meds, washed the icecream off her face from the previous day and waited for the medicine to kick in. At 4:15 I put her to bed and tried to go back to sleep. Well, I hate getting up in the middle of the night and I REALLY like my sleep, so I was kind of grouchy when the sun came up. But, you know what happened? Brooklyn came in and woke me up at around 8:00 with a PB&J sandwich on a plate for me that she had made by herself! I think she was trying to say thank you for helping her last night and she loves me. I was so touched. She really appreciates me! Wow. Those moments are so rare that I will treasure that little memory forever.
Well, sorry I am rambling. I just want anyone to know that reads this, that you are not alone if you feel that life is sometimes hard too.